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PITA PIZZA PARTY
Wondering where the party’s at? It’s wherever the hell you are at any given moment. You could walk into a nursing home and suddenly the geriatrics would be break-dancing and popping wheelies in their...
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RAINBOW CHARD ON LINGUINE
Nothing gives me a chubby like an aesthetically pleasing plate of food. Not only does it satisfy the hunger pangs, but the emotionally pangs as well. Mark my words, nothing inspires sexy time dessert...
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FIGGY PIGGY PIZZA
I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day. Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass? That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the...
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RED WHITE AND BEETS
America, fuck yeah! Can you feel the patriotism emanating off the computer screen and making your heart beet to the Star Spangled Banner. Even if you aren’t a tea-partying real patriot, you gotta love...
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PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP
Halloween is upon us. Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined. Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for...
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OOH LE LE BREAKFAST
You gotta hand it to the French. No one pulls off being a bunch of fancy bitches quite like them. You’ll look like a goddamn pansy if you try to replicate without the accent. But for some reason they...
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FINGER LICKIN’ ASS KICKIN’ CHICKEN LETTUCE WRAPS
You read that right. These lettuce wraps are no joke. Dr. Atkins is saluting them from his cloud in heaven. How could this much flavor be packed into such a low carb treat? Is it a miracle? Did God...
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WANNA HAVANA? SALAD
Do I wanna Havana? It’s been a dream of mine since I was a small child. Seriously, I picture myself in the long long ago era of Havana’s heyday drinking mojitos on the street and puffing on fat cigars....
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ROAST THE CHOKE, BLOKES!
It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center...
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UP THE STEAKS SALAD
Upping the ante is the best way to take things from zero to banging. Like when the odds are against you in a hand of POKER, a little bluster counts for a lot. My process is to continually top my...
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TEQUILA LIME RHYME TIME PASTA
Ever just start speaking in rhymes? Happens at the most inconvenient times? Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat? Like someone’s always getting your goat? Bust out some tangy lime and tequila Your date...
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IT’S SO FIG! SHRIMP
After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of...
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BURRATA GOTTA LOTTA PEPPERS
Some things in life just belong together. Dog and bone; man and woman; anal sex and lube. The sum is way more awesome than the parts. Can you imagine the Olympics without the ski and snowboard events?...
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SHRIMP SLAP THE PORTOBELL-HO
This recipe comes courtesy of Pete in Brooklyn, NY. Great title, great combination of things I love. Pete writes: When that Portobello just won’t do as its told, shrimp slap it. Yank at it, scrape it...
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BUTTER-MY-NUTS SQUASH SOUP
Cook To Bang is nothing without its readership. If a recipe helps someone bang in the woods and no one is there to film it, does it make a moaning sound? I’ll leave that to the philosophers far wiser...
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RUB MY RIB EYE STEAK
Rub and rub, inspire the love This one goes out to all the carnivores out there with apologies to my vegan readers. After countless e-mails demanding carnage and threats to my life from the Beef...
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LICK MY ZUCCHINI STICK
I’m not trying to be crass. It’s just an open invitation for your tongue. Do what you gotta, but the door is always open. This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get...
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BANGSGIVING: RANDY CANDIED CARROTS
Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never...
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GET DOWN IN THE GROUND VEGGIE SALAD
All kinds of exciting things happen below the ground. Ever hear of a gopher gala? What about a mole massive? Groundhog grind? Do you know what fuels all these critters crazy times? Root vegetables!...
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BANGERINE SALAD
Tangerines are a whorish fruit. While oranges, kiwis, and grapes are off to church to pray they won’t be eaten, tangerines rub their citrus all over everybody. I’ve never met a fruit so eager for you...
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